Late and lonely

Most of the time, I wake up at 4 am. The place where I stay, people wake up late at 8ish or so. Not that I do not like to doze off peacefully, like others, till late in the morning. Sometimes I do happen to do exactly that. But I have been less fortunate with it, of late.

I no longer have any reason to stay late. I try not to stay late and lonely. With just a call away, with just a message away, you remain near to me even though you have decided to part ways with me. I no longer have any reasons to wait for your call or your messages. I try not to stay late and lonely.

Attachments have always been a cause of sufferings for me. I have yet more to suffer because of that. But what's already been attached to me, can I break off those threads holding me to them? No! But you decided to go separate ways and my thread could not hold you to me forever. Perhaps, I couldn't make a stronger thread with you or with anyone attached to me. I have yet more to suffer because of that.

She said, not you but she, that she loves being attached to things. It gives her happiness. But doesn't it give you pain and sadness as well?, I asked out of curiosity. She replied, not you but she, that if she cannot experience happiness and sadness in her life then wouldn't she be better a machine?

Is it really so? I wanted to talk to her more about this. To her and not to you, but stopped myself. Will I be attached again to another soul if I pursue conversations close to my heart? No. I stopped myself, for I know that she and not you is far better than you. A beautiful soul. Independent and wise, unlike you.

I have been taught a lesson. A lesson on how being attached to a weak person makes one weak. But perhaps the fault is not on the weakness of yours. The fault is in the weakness in me. I have been taught a lesson. A lesson on how to remain detached from other souls.

That's why I try not to stay late and lonely. She and not you is also a message away from me. She and not you might have some history, some other threads attached to her which makes her happy. If I stay late and lonely I might out of my weakness would initiate an one sided thread. She and not you is independent and wise and would discard that thread right away.


That's why I wake up early. I want to get detached completely. I want to become a machine. The pain, the loneliness, the broken threads make me miserable. It is better to be a device than to be a broken heart. If I wake up early each day till the time I am alive then perhaps I would not be lonely. I will have the rays of sun soothing the wounds from the broken thread. I will have warm pages of books healing my wounds. I will have the brightness of day obliterating the darkness of my nights. I will have the absurdity of waking early snapping the strings attached to me, to the marionette, to the puppet of a loser.

It will take time for me, dear. It will take time for me to gradually break away from all the strings. People, with time, go to oblivion; while some part ways to newly assumed happiness, like you did and probably she will as well, others meet the ashes or become trees and shrubs through the soil. Strings are meant to be broken. It will take time but I will be liberated finally and peacefully from all the strings attached to me.

- A fiction but not a fiction. 

Comments

  1. I think people are becoming like machines. We find a lot of emotionless creatures around. No personal attachments. Apparently happy having reached that state of non-attachment. But the happiness and sadness got from attachments are what make life worthwhile. I think.

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    1. I do not know Tomichan, I really do not know. Attachments to some have a away of bringing more pain than happiness and some do not want to be a part of that sadness.

      What is liberation if not getting free from the attachments and thus seeing a red as a red without any rose tinted glass!

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